Posts Tagged With: baby

What They Don’t Tell You About Pregnancy


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Hello ladies, welcome to a very intimate and TMI blog on pregnancy. Guys, did you hear I said “TMI” which is your cue to leave. Go away while you still can. Leave and never come back to this blog. 🙂

So it’s been 9 months already (wohoo hoo, I don’t believe it) and I have been reading a lot of blogs on various things that happens during pregnancy and what to expect. But, I think, most of the blogs have been written with the fairytale wand.

Now personally speaking, if I am a first time mom to be, I would rather hear and read the die hard facts with all the bitter truths rather than hear a honey coaxed half truth.

Which means, this blog is all about my personal experience, straight forward with no coaxing.

Lets begin with the most up and personal issue.

THE BLADDER MATTER.

You know how they say everything grows big when you are pregnant. Well guess what…Everything except your bladder. From your face to your pinkie toe, everything will expand but the only thing that will not is your bladder.

This leads to my next theory on the same ifunny-bladder-graphic-motherhumorssue.

THE FALSIFICATION OF NIAGARA FALLS.

You have just stepped out of the bathroom and 15 mins later you get this strong, very very strong urge to pee. It feels like a tsunami is building up inside. The pressure is growing with every step you take towards the bathroom. And as sit on the throne of relief, you are expecting Niagara falls. You are expecting a full load of waterfalls that will gush out.

But what do you get instead? Just a few drop drizzle.

Just fucking drizzle.

THE GLOW OF DARTH VADER

They also say you get the “glow” when you are pregnant.

Well, if by glow you mean, black patches on various areas of your face such as sides of lips, forehead and cheekbone; A very black neck that looks like someone has rubbed it with black chalk; Blueish feet like you have got no blood in them. Dark under-eye patches because you have not slept in days and of course the dark brown lines on your stomach,

then DAMN I AM GLOWING. I AM GLOWING SO BAD PEOPLE MIGHT JUST GET JEALOUS OF MY BEAUTY.

THE FOOTBALL LEAGUE

Here are the details of the football league.

Warm Up Matches : These matches begin in your 4th month. They are mild warm up matches during any time of the day or night.

Quarter Finals : In your 7th month. These are vigorous matches.

Semi Finals : In your 8th month. These are the do or die matches.

Finals : In your 9th month. The most aggressive, wild and ferocious matches.

Timing : During your sleeping hours.

Venue : Your freaking uterus.

Winning Criteria : All goals should go i
n the RIBS.

THE EXORCISM INswelling YOUR BODY

Your body will no longer belong to you. You will experience things you did not wish to.

Apart from all the backbone pain, leg pain and the occasional uterus pain, a very huge part of your pregnancy will experience staggering rib pain. This pain is not your usual pain. It’s like someone stabbing you on the same spot over and over again. So much that if you slightly touch that part from over your skin, you will feel the pain inside.

Your feet will swell so much that you will go from a size 6 to size 9 in a matter of months.

Your heart will burn so intense that it will feel someone is choking you.

THE ITCH BITCH

As your body expands, your skin stretches. It is amazing how much your skin can stretch. This means you will feel itchy. Specially after having a bath. Without appropriate lotion, you become an insane itching monkey.

THE CRAVING FOR NOTHING.6ac5737b-7221-406e-986c-2051e13d0962

I heard almost from everyone that you get cravings for certain things. And you start getting more hungry and you start eating all the time. But they don’t tell you that some pregnancies are different. You lose all your cravings, all your appetite and you just eat small portions for the sake of eating.

THE PENGUIN WALK

In your last months, with the gravity change, your walk changes as well. During the 9th month, you can barely walk with your legs close enough. You need space between your legs which leads to a very unique image of you walking. Feets apart, bulging tommy and small steps. Kinda like a penguin walking.

THE WAKEUP STRATEGY

Waking up fromb2exae797nocw0vxjt90uytbeovuwq8q_lg the bed requires thinking, strategy and a plan. So before you make a move, you make a plan in your mind:

Ok so right now I am lying on my right. Bedside is on left. Okay here is what I will do.

First I will place my hand under my stomach to give it support. I will slowly try to move and lie on my back while I am holding my stomach. Ok good good. A few deep breaths. Now turn left again while holding the tummy. Good job. Now all I need to do is push myself up. I will place my right hand on the bed to push myself up while my left hand supports my belly. YES YES, that’s the perfect plan.

After 10 minutes of trying your plan :

HONEYYYYYYYYYY…. CAN YOU PLEASE HELP ME GET OUT OF BED.

THE DAILY CHALLENGES

Everyday simple tasks become challenges such as :

  • Getting out of bed as explained above.
  • Picking something from the ground so you start ignoring everything that falls and walk away.
  • Shaving becomes a task which will leave you exhausted.
  • Applying lotion on your legs isn’t so easy now.
  • Every sneeze feels like your insides are torn apart.

Having said that, no matter how ugly you look and no matter how sick you feel, that moment when you feel his/her existence move and turn in your body, everything feels right and everything feels okay. You go through so much but it is all worth it in the end and you would want to go through it all over again for the same.

🙂

Categories: Bits Of My Life, Blogs | Tags: , , , | 1 Comment

Letter # 2 : Dear Little Bundle Of Joy


Dear Little Bundle Of Joy,

I have been complaining about my severe back pain specially in the sleepless nights as I toss and turn in bed to find a position that would pain less. I tie rolls of bandages on my legs because otherwise my legs hurt me to tears. I hate going to the hospitals with screaming pains only to find that now I have to do several tests and exams.

I suddenly came under depression. I thought I cannot go through all this. I thought I cannot do this. I thought I would crash soon.

But you know what???

Yesterday, for the first time, I felt your movement very clearly. I felt it once. Then again and then again. My pure little angel, those 3 distinct movement, I cannot express to you how wonderful they were. They were so distinct and so clear and I knew it was you.

Today I felt you move again.  Continue reading

Categories: Letters To My Baby | Tags: , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Letter # 1 : Dear Little Bundle Of Joy,


Dear Little Bundle Of Joy,

Hello there little one. This is your mommy. This is the first time I am officially talking to you because I read that now you can hear me and feel me.

I just want to let you know the day we found out that we are going to have you, It was the biggest day of my life.

I remember it so clearly….26th of January….My birthday… And the greatest gift that I could get was the blood report in my hand that said I was going to be your mommy. Your daddy, well his reaction was priceless. I saw tears fill his eyes and the strength it took to roll those tears back because mommy was already crying and daddy had to hold her in his strong arms, just like he is going to hold you.  Continue reading

Categories: Letters To My Baby | Tags: , , , | 3 Comments

What Nursery Rhymes Are Really Teaching Our Kids?


Nonsense Nursery Rhyme Poem

Have you ever wondered what nursery rhymes do they teach our kids? What they really mean? What they actually teach?

The are the poems that I was practically raised with. Me being the youngest sibling, was obviously born hearing these rhymes as my sibling practiced them over and over.

Let me show take your attention to these rhymes in details and remember, the kids start hearing these poems from Age 1. Umm no no. I am not going to find any Zionist or subliminal messages, just opening your eyes to these rhymes.

Lets begin with :

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water
Jack fell down and broke his crown
And Jill came tumbling after

So this is a poem where we teach our Kids that there are two brothers and sisters who go up the hill to bring water that their mother must have asked them so she may cook, but eventually Jack falls down and gets hurt and so does Jill.

Wow very sweet.

Hush a bye baby, on the tree top,
When the wind blows the cradle will rock;
When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall,
And down will come baby, cradle and all.

So let’s clear a few doubts. The baby is in the cradle and the cradle is on a tree top? Totally normal, ain’t in. Continue reading

Categories: Hearty Giggles | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Freshly Baked Questions – Dare To Answer?


Grudged Question Mark - Dare To Answer Aisha

Here are my question….. Dare to answer ? 😛 😛 😛

1. People who have the habit of biting nails when they are tensed;  if their nails are already bitten and they are tensed, would they bite someone else’s nails and will they have the same pleasure?

2. If I was a guy with the same attitude, would my name be something that could be nicked as “ash”?

3. Question number 2 + Would I have a blog named “ASH SCRAP YARD” ?

4. If all of us instead of walking, crawled like a baby even when we grew up, would it cut the height of our house ceiling to half and would we have double the number of flats in a building?

5. Why do parents use silly names for objects when they talk to babies as if that is the only way they will understand?
Water = MamMam
Cat = Maoo
Hot = Happa
Ghost or anything scary = Bhowwa

6. Every second person I see on the street is using cell. Only 20% are actually making an important call or a message, the rest are just fidgeting with it as if they got it the first time in their hand. Does it annoy you as well or is it just me being so abnormal to this behavior?

7. Does network providers pay people (people who know me and have my number) to forward jokes, poetry etc to me even though I don’t like them?

8. Why do people get the urge of saying “Meowwww” when they see a cat?

9. Burping isn’t a crime. Then why do people feel ashamed of burping out loud?

10. Why are you even reading these questions which are making no sense at all :S ?

 

Categories: Weird Random Thoughts | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments