I Shall Marry Whosoever Signs This Certificate

I have been long averting the topic of “Marriage” but I guess my perspective of things in this regard has been so wrong all this while. Why should I fight against the world saying I don’t want to marry in order to protect that one poor little soul whose neck would be given in my hand ( or is it hand in my hand :/ ?)

Anyway, so the point is, why should I become the bad guy when in reality all I am trying to do is save one innocent man’s soul who will get deceived with my innocent looks and fall for something as big as marriage and then realize what the devil kind of a person I am.

So today I have released a Certificate. What’s it called? You will find out by the end of this Certificate and if you are smart enough, you will probably won’t need me to say.

Whosoever dares to sign this certificate, I shall happily ( not really happily unless I have decided on a plan to kill you) marry the person.


This certificate states that you, ___(Full Name)___, in full and absolute consciousness and with free will has wished upon to marry me. Upon signing this certificate you take all responsibility for anything and everything that happens to you your mind, body and soul. You understand the dangers and are ready to face the consequences of the decision hereby made.

Further, this certificate states that you put yourself in this relationship (sacrificed your life, suicide, call it whatever you want) with me and agree to the following :

1. There will be no seafood inside the house, cooked or uncooked unless they are crabs. Not that I like crabs but they just look very appetizing. You want to eat seafood, NOT IN MY HOUSE.

2. You will get up in the morning on your own because I am not an early bird.
…..2.1 : Make your own breakfast.
…..2.2 : I will not select your clothes for work.You have been doing it all this while and you are good at it. Keep it going.
…..2.3 : Since you make your own breakfast, you will make sure to make some for me as well so I can have a ready breakfast when I get up.

3. I may or may not make lunch or dinner.
…..3.1. In such case, you will be given a call whether the food is supposed to be brought home or we will be having it out.

4. If it is a Sunday for you, it’s a Sunday for me as well.
…..4.1. Sunday lunch shall always be called in home.
……4.2. Sunday dinner shall always be out in a fancy restaurant.

5. You will take me on vacations at least once in a year. The more vacations, the more you are likely to win my heart (not really).

6. I will dress up the way I want to. If I want to wear sleeping pajama to your brother in law’s house, I will.

7. If I am doing the dishes, expect to see broken plates and glasses. Do not make a fuss. Be a good husband, get the broom and start cleaning.

8. If I am doing the laundry, you might end up with a red a shirt which originally was a white shirt washed with my red dupatta ( stall).

9. Iron your clothes… And mine too… What kind of a husband would you be if you can’t do that much for me ๐Ÿ™‚

10. If you wish to throw a party in our house, I would be more than happy to allow it as long as you do the before and after party cleaning, washing, cooking and all the arrangements.

11. I am not much of a shopping maniac, so if I want to go to the market, it is a life and death situation for me which cannot be postponed.

12. If you survive to the point of having babies, you definitely are one hell of a guy. As a reward I promise to take care of diapers and feeding in the day. But if the baby decides to do a gangnam style cry at night, handle “it” before the baby’s cry wakes me up.

13. Keep me happy all the time if you love your life because I have read 1001 ways to kill a person and escape the charges.

14. I am never wrong, you are never right. End of discussion.

15. My decision is OUR decision. Your decision doesn’t matter.

16. I need latest gadgets around me.

17. I amย obsessedย with flip flops. If I buy them monthly, I don’t want to hear you say, “you already have so many.”

18. Gifts such as gold jewelry, teddy bears or anything in pink will be thrown in garbage right away. You want to give me a gift, its easy…. FLIP FLOPS & ANKLET. Gift me these every time and watch me smile.

19. NEVER EVER ask me where I have been if you come home and do not find me inside.

20. Expect a dirty house and me watching a movie while eating a pizza (home delivered of course) when you come home from work. You can start cleaning and then go for a bath.

21. I can’t cook. Chances are I never will. So if you find burnt out of shape roti (flattened bread), appreciate my efforts and praise my cooking skills.

22. I do not need a dressing table full of makeup and cosmetics but I do need all my essential lotions, creams and moisturizers before I run out of them.

P.S : This agreement will be modified as the time goes by with new improved policies any time by me without or without prior notice and you agree to them.

P.S2 : This certificate may be cancelled if you survive 5 years of our marriage based on this certificate.

Please Sign YOUR DEATH CERTIFICATE. A copy of this certificate will be sent to the police station, one will be hung over your mirror and one will be kept in my secret locker.


Sooooooooo, anyone??? ๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ™‚

Categories: Blogs | Tags: , , , , , , | 16 Comments

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16 thoughts on “I Shall Marry Whosoever Signs This Certificate

  1. Butcherooni

    This is quite extensive ๐Ÿ˜› Well.. I’m gonna wait, tidy up in the back and if no on else signs up on this adventurous journey… I just might xD

    • You might want to read the points again. That will change your mind but whenever you decide to commit suicide, you know you have the best suicide option available ๐Ÿ™‚

      • Butcherooni

        Didn’t sound all that bad, I can think of worse things hah ๐Ÿ˜›

  2. The boys be flockin’ now

    • Yeah I bet they are ( with swords, helmets, medicines, guns, chainsaws, shields etc) ๐Ÿ™‚

      • Well, at least you’ll know that the one that signs will be a keeper! (Chain ’em to the basement floor just to be on the safe side)

        • good idea… I will lock him up in the basement with chains for the rest of his life… and after 25 years of marriage, I will shove my anniversary down the throat of all those people who think I am not the kinda girl who would work in a married life.

  3. The guy who want to sign this can hire a full time care-taker/whatever for lunch/dinner/laundry and other things.
    I don’t think it’s difficult to live with a girl like you.

  4. uzma

    only 22 conditions in the DEATH CERTIICATE…i expected more from u..lol

  5. Pingback: Journey Through A Pakistani Girl’s Wedding – The Rasam | Aisha's Scrapyard

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